What do men and women want? And are the lists really so different?
The 1 Easy Idea You Can Use Today…To Unlock His Undying Devotion?
Women across the world make one universal mistake with men.?
Men fall for women because of how those women make them feel.?
You can thank him warmly for every single thing he does for you.?
But the more you appreciate him…The more he appreciates YOU.?
For men, maybe it has to do with being taught that what they want for themselves and what their partners want for them are necessarily in conflict. E.g., they want their careers, their buddies, their beer, their freedom, and we want them to do dishes and watch chick flicks. Of course these gender roles are totally unrealistic, and for same-sex partnership there are entirely different dynamics, but I feel like the messages we are fed about relationships from a young age play a big role in programming us for dissatisfaction later in life. We think relationships have some kind of magical power to transcend our life situation, when in reality, they are simply a commitment to share that life situation with someone else. Don't think I'm advocating for settling like a certain (fat-shaming) Lori Gottlieb.
Far from it. I'm simply advocating looking for a partner instead of a savior. We shouldn't expect a relationship to fix us, rescue us, or make our lives something they weren't before. We should expect our relationships to be filled with ups and downs, to be thrilling at times and tedious at others, and for the people we embark on them with to be wonderful and flawed, just like us. It's because relationships are so hard that we need to find wonderful people to be in them with. Not perfect people, but wonderful.
My non-negotiable list of what to look for in a partner, and an opportunity to share yours, after the jump.
Someone who you enjoy doing things with, even everyday things
Someone who shares your values
Someone with a similar level of ambition, or if not that, a compatible level of ambition. If you want to be a CEO and s/he wants to teach middle school and raise the kids, that's great as long as you won't resent him/her for not contributing more financially, or come to think less of him/her for not "achieving" (by conventional standards) as much as you.
Someone you feel comfortable communicating with, even (especially?) about intimate things, and who reciprocates that communication
Someone you admire: for his/her talent, drive, goodness of heart, etc. Someone who, if you won an Oscar, you could call your "inspiration."
Someone who challenges you.
Someone who treats people well, makes you feel better about yourself not worse, and conducts him/herself graciously in the universe.
What would you add? And do you agree with me that finding happiness in a relationship means we may need to let go of some of our preconceived notions of what a relationship is?
The guy with the gorgeous floppy hair, quirky smile, and big heart devoted entirely to one person and one person only:
His girlfriend.
You’re so glad she found him, but honestly?
You are so insanely jealous. It’s hard to stop watching them. The way he’s so attentive to her needs. The way they seem to share thoughts without speaking. The way he wraps his arms around her so tightly it’s like they’re one body. Watching them makes you ache. Because the guy at your side doesn’t treat you like that.
It’s not that your guy isn’t wonderful. Of course he’s wonderful. It’s more…
How he treats you. He treats you like someone he’s gotten used to.
You know he doesn’t wake up in the morning pinching himself for being lucky enough to snag someone like you.
But you bet that’s what this other guy does. You can see it in his eyes.
The pleasure that radiates from his smile every time he looks at the woman he loves.
So you ask her—half-joking, half-hoping—if he has any brothers. She just laughs.
“Nah, that’s not what you need.” She leans towards you and glances around to make sure no one’s listening. “Want to hear a secret?”
You nod eagerly.
She whispers, “Our relationship was just like everyone else’s before. But then I found out about this crazy secret. It’s from this relationship coach named James Bauer. It’s, like, the key to unlocking men.”
You nod even more vigorously, but she’s stopped talking. You follow her gaze across the room. Her boyfriend is holding up a drink, asking her wordlessly if she wants one. She shakes her head, blows him a kiss, and turns back to you. “So, do you want to know what it is?”
“Yeah!” you say. “If it will help me and my guy read each other’s minds, like you two just did.”
“Okay, then listen closely…”
If you see a woman with a man trailing behind her like a puppy dog, common wisdom says you can be sure she has something you don’t.
It’s such an obvious explanation and yet…
It’s dead wrong.
That woman?
She’s no more exceptional than you. (Whatever THAT means.)
But what she does have is a very special understanding of men.
She understands that what matters most is NOT what he sees when he looks at her…
But how he sees himself reflected in her eyes.
The truth is this:
He can’t help it.
Most women don’t have that effect on him.
When he’s around most women, he feels like a dumb guy. Like he’s always doing something wrong. Like he needs a nanny to look after him.
He can count on one hand the number of women who look up to him. Who really, really respect him.
And he’s always going to have a place in his life for those women.
So, how do you make a man feel like a hero?
It sounds kind of silly.
Do you have to engineer some kind of scenario where he has to save kids from a burning house or a little old lady from getting hit by a car?
No. It’s a lot simpler than that.
To make your man feel like a hero, there’s one easy thing you can do starting right now:
Thank him.
Did he clear the dishes off the table?
Thank him.
Did he drive you to a meeting?
Thank him.
He’s a hero to you every day, even though you may not see it like that.
Has your man “rescued you”—metaphorically speaking—any time in the last week?
Maybe he dropped everything to help you. Maybe he was there when you needed a sounding board.
Maybe his advice helped you make a difficult decision.
We tend to take those things for granted. We expect it. It numbs us to the actual miracle of having someone to rely on.
Most women think they can earn a man’s appreciation by doing lots of things for him.
They’ve got it backwards.
The best way to earn a man’s appreciation is to appreciate everything he does for you, no matter how little.
It triggers his “Hero Instinct.”
Women across the world make one universal mistake with men.?
Men fall for women because of how those women make them feel.?
You can thank him warmly for every single thing he does for you.?
But the more you appreciate him…The more he appreciates YOU.?
What do men and women want? And are the lists really so different?
Pearls N the Hood recently drew attention to her personal struggle with relationship ennui, in the form of her beau seeming to bristle at the nurturing she provided by instinct. I doubt this reaction was really about getting too much of something (home-cooked polenta? Sign me up!), but rather not enough. I don't think we ever get enough from relationships. For women, I think it has to do with the fact that we're constantly sent the message that finding the right man will solve all our problems, leaving us disappointed when it doesn't instantly transport us to carefree happiness.For men, maybe it has to do with being taught that what they want for themselves and what their partners want for them are necessarily in conflict. E.g., they want their careers, their buddies, their beer, their freedom, and we want them to do dishes and watch chick flicks. Of course these gender roles are totally unrealistic, and for same-sex partnership there are entirely different dynamics, but I feel like the messages we are fed about relationships from a young age play a big role in programming us for dissatisfaction later in life. We think relationships have some kind of magical power to transcend our life situation, when in reality, they are simply a commitment to share that life situation with someone else. Don't think I'm advocating for settling like a certain (fat-shaming) Lori Gottlieb.
Far from it. I'm simply advocating looking for a partner instead of a savior. We shouldn't expect a relationship to fix us, rescue us, or make our lives something they weren't before. We should expect our relationships to be filled with ups and downs, to be thrilling at times and tedious at others, and for the people we embark on them with to be wonderful and flawed, just like us. It's because relationships are so hard that we need to find wonderful people to be in them with. Not perfect people, but wonderful.
My non-negotiable list of what to look for in a partner, and an opportunity to share yours, after the jump.
Someone who you enjoy doing things with, even everyday things
Someone who shares your values
Someone with a similar level of ambition, or if not that, a compatible level of ambition. If you want to be a CEO and s/he wants to teach middle school and raise the kids, that's great as long as you won't resent him/her for not contributing more financially, or come to think less of him/her for not "achieving" (by conventional standards) as much as you.
Someone you feel comfortable communicating with, even (especially?) about intimate things, and who reciprocates that communication
Someone you admire: for his/her talent, drive, goodness of heart, etc. Someone who, if you won an Oscar, you could call your "inspiration."
Someone who challenges you.
Someone who treats people well, makes you feel better about yourself not worse, and conducts him/herself graciously in the universe.
What would you add? And do you agree with me that finding happiness in a relationship means we may need to let go of some of our preconceived notions of what a relationship is?
The 1 Easy Idea You Can Use Today…To Unlock His Undying Devotion?
You know that girlfriend of yours who has the perfect boyfriend?The guy with the gorgeous floppy hair, quirky smile, and big heart devoted entirely to one person and one person only:
His girlfriend.
You’re so glad she found him, but honestly?
You are so insanely jealous. It’s hard to stop watching them. The way he’s so attentive to her needs. The way they seem to share thoughts without speaking. The way he wraps his arms around her so tightly it’s like they’re one body. Watching them makes you ache. Because the guy at your side doesn’t treat you like that.
It’s not that your guy isn’t wonderful. Of course he’s wonderful. It’s more…
How he treats you. He treats you like someone he’s gotten used to.
You know he doesn’t wake up in the morning pinching himself for being lucky enough to snag someone like you.
But you bet that’s what this other guy does. You can see it in his eyes.
The pleasure that radiates from his smile every time he looks at the woman he loves.
So you ask her—half-joking, half-hoping—if he has any brothers. She just laughs.
“Nah, that’s not what you need.” She leans towards you and glances around to make sure no one’s listening. “Want to hear a secret?”
You nod eagerly.
She whispers, “Our relationship was just like everyone else’s before. But then I found out about this crazy secret. It’s from this relationship coach named James Bauer. It’s, like, the key to unlocking men.”
You nod even more vigorously, but she’s stopped talking. You follow her gaze across the room. Her boyfriend is holding up a drink, asking her wordlessly if she wants one. She shakes her head, blows him a kiss, and turns back to you. “So, do you want to know what it is?”
“Yeah!” you say. “If it will help me and my guy read each other’s minds, like you two just did.”
“Okay, then listen closely…”
Women across the world make one universal mistake with men.
It’s not their fault. They’re just following common wisdom. Common wisdom says that men only fall for exceptional women. (Exceptional bodies, mainly.)If you see a woman with a man trailing behind her like a puppy dog, common wisdom says you can be sure she has something you don’t.
It’s such an obvious explanation and yet…
It’s dead wrong.
That woman?
She’s no more exceptional than you. (Whatever THAT means.)
But what she does have is a very special understanding of men.
She understands that what matters most is NOT what he sees when he looks at her…
But how he sees himself reflected in her eyes.
The truth is this:
Men fall for women because of how those women make them feel.
When a man feels like a hero in a woman’s eyes, he swears his undying loyalty to her.He can’t help it.
Most women don’t have that effect on him.
When he’s around most women, he feels like a dumb guy. Like he’s always doing something wrong. Like he needs a nanny to look after him.
He can count on one hand the number of women who look up to him. Who really, really respect him.
And he’s always going to have a place in his life for those women.
So, how do you make a man feel like a hero?
It sounds kind of silly.
Do you have to engineer some kind of scenario where he has to save kids from a burning house or a little old lady from getting hit by a car?
No. It’s a lot simpler than that.
To make your man feel like a hero, there’s one easy thing you can do starting right now:
You can thank him warmly for every single thing he does for you.
Did he offer to get you a drink?Thank him.
Did he clear the dishes off the table?
Thank him.
Did he drive you to a meeting?
Thank him.
He’s a hero to you every day, even though you may not see it like that.
Has your man “rescued you”—metaphorically speaking—any time in the last week?
Maybe he dropped everything to help you. Maybe he was there when you needed a sounding board.
Maybe his advice helped you make a difficult decision.
We tend to take those things for granted. We expect it. It numbs us to the actual miracle of having someone to rely on.
But the more you appreciate him…The more he appreciates YOU.
Now, that’s not how most people think.Most women think they can earn a man’s appreciation by doing lots of things for him.
They’ve got it backwards.
The best way to earn a man’s appreciation is to appreciate everything he does for you, no matter how little.
It triggers his “Hero Instinct.”
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