How Men and Women View Friends with Benefits Relationships

How Men and Women View Friends with Benefits Relationships

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The 1 Easy Idea You Can Use Today…To Unlock His Undying Devotion?

Women across the world make one universal mistake with men.?

Men fall for women because of how those women make them feel.?

You can thank him warmly for every single thing he does for you.?

But the more you appreciate him…The more he appreciates YOU.?
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How Men and Women View Friends with Benefits Relationships

Friends with Benefits Relationships - we've all heard the term and some of us may even have participated in such a relationship (friendship, sex, no commitment). According to one study, more than sixty percent of men (63.7%) and slightly more than half (50.2%) of women reported experience in a friends with benefits relationship. As one might guess, the men enjoyed the benefits more than the friendship, but the women sought the friendship more than the benefits (McGinty et al., 2007) - although these are generalizations.

A new study confirmed those findings, with the caveat that men actually do value the friendship over the benefits - although they tend to enter into the arrangement for the benefits part, while women seek the emotional connection aspect.

There's more below . . . .

From Discover:

NCBI ROFL: Sex Differences in Approaching Friends with Benefits Relationships couple

“This research explored differences in how men and women approach “friends with benefits” (FWB) relationships. Specifically, this study examined sex differences in reasons for beginning such involvements, commitment to the friendship versus sexual aspects of the relationship, and partners’ anticipated hopes for the future. To do so, an Internet sample of individuals currently involved in FWB relationships was recruited. Results indicated many overall similarities in terms of how the sexes approach FWB relationships, but several important differences emerged. For example, sex was a more common motivation for men to begin such relationships, whereas emotional connection was a more common motivation for women.

In addition, men were more likely to hope that the relationship stays the same over time, whereas women expressed more desire for change into either a full-fledged romance or a basic friendship. Unexpectedly, both men and women were more committed to the friendship than to the sexual aspect of the relationship. Although some additional similarities appeared, the findings were largely consistent with the notion that traditional gender role expectations and the sexual double standard may influence how men and women approach FWB relationships.”

Link to the PubMed abstract.

[Emphasis added.] The finding that both men and women were more committed to the friendship than to the sex overrides the stereotype of men only caring about sex. While sex may be what draws a man into the relationship, the friendship ends up being more important than the sex.

At Psych Central, Dr. John Grohol looked at the Friends with Benefits form of relationships, referencing a study by Puentes and his colleagues (2008), who collected over 1,000 surveys of undergraduates (FWB relationships decline in frequency as people age, so college students are the largest population involved in these relationships).

Grohol makes an important point, in my opinion about the findings in the study in terms of men and sexual expression:

I also think it’s difficult for us, as humans, to separate sexuality from our emotions (even though it appears men are more able to do so than women). Even when men do so, I believe many do so only outwardly. Inside, perhaps unconsciously, they still feel the connection they’re making through sex.

Because sex is more than just a physical act of pleasure. It strips us, if just for a moment, of all of our social masks, and bares our physical desires (and some might argue, our souls) to the other person. While men may deny that happens, I can’t help but believe it does. Maybe not in everyone, but I think in more men than research shows.

I tend to agree with Grohol here - and I think this is born out by the findings in the new study that men end up valuing the friendship more than the sex. Whether they know it or not, the intimacy that comes with sexual expression forges an emotional connection - only the most callous or unconscious person (man or woman) can have an on-going sexual relationship and not become emotionally connected to their partner.

Anyway, back to the study - the researchers came away with the following observations on these friends with benefits relationships:

1. Males. Over sixty percent of the men (63.7%) compared to slightly over half (50.2%) of the women reported experience in a friends with benefits relationship. While not statistically significant, McGinty et al. (2007) also found men more likely participants and concluded that, “men focus on the benefits, women on the friends” aspect of the friends with benefits relationship. Previous research comparing men and women has emphasized that men think more about sex, report a higher number of sexual partners, and engage in more frequent sexual encounters than women (Michael et al., 1994).

2. Casual daters. Respondents who were casually dating different people (76.3%) were significantly more likely to report experience in a FWBR than those emotionally involved with one person (49.3%) or not dating/involved with anyone (49.9%). It is clear that while the respondents were having sex with a friend, they did not define the relationship as a dating relationship that was going anywhere. To the contrary, the participants had a dating life (or were open to one) with different people that was separate from the friends with benefits relationship.

3. Hedonist. Undergraduates selecting hedonism (82.2%) as their primary sexual value were significantly more likely to be involved in a friends with benefits relationship than those selecting relativism (52.3%) or absolutism (20.8%). Unlike relativists who prefer sex in the context of a love relationship and absolutists who won’t have sex outside of a marriage relationship, hedonists are focused on sexual pleasure, not the relationship with the person.

4. Sex without love. It comes as no surprise that participants in a FWBR were adept at having sex independent of love. Indeed, over 80 percent of participants in a FWBR reported that they had had sex without love, compared to 13.4% of non participants who preferred sex in the context of a love relationship. This difference was statistically significant.

5. Nonromantic/realist. In contrast to romantics who believed that there is only one true love/love comes only once, nonromantics (also known as realists) viewed this belief as nonsense. Analysis of the data revealed that undergraduate realists who believed that there were any number of people with whom they could fall in love (57.9%) were significantly more likely to be a participant in a friends with benefits relationship than were undergraduate romantics who believed in one true love (44.7%).

In effect, nonromantics believe that they would have many opportunities to meet/fall in love and that a friends with benefits relationship would not cancel out their chance of doing so. Hughes et al. (2005) also found that persons involved in a friends with benefits relationship had a pragmatic view of love.

6. Question deep love’s power. Participants were less likely than nonparticipants to believe that deep love can help a couple get through any difficulty. Slightly over half (52.7%) of participants in a FWBR reported they did not believe in the power of deep love compared to over 60% (62.3 %) of nonparticipants who did believe in such power. We interpret this finding as another example of participants being nonromantic realists who were not focused on romantic love in their relationships.

7. Jealousy. Undergraduates identifying themselves as a jealous person (58.8%) were significantly more likely to be involved in a friends with benefits relationship than those who did not view themselves as jealous (51.1%). We are not sure how to interpret this data as we would assume just the opposite. Nevertheless, the data show that participants are more jealous. Perhaps those having sex with a friend wonder how many other sexual partners their “friend” has and want to feel that they are “special” and “unique.”

8. Blacks. In regard to racial differences, over sixty percent of blacks (62.5%) in contrast to over half of the whites (52.9%) reported involvement in a friends with benefits experience. Previous research comparing blacks and whites on interpersonal issues revealed that blacks valued romantic relationships less than whites, were less involved in an exclusive relationship, and were less disclosing in intimate relationships (Giordan et. al., 2005). Data from the National Survey of Family and Households also revealed great instability of black compared to white marriages (Raley 1996). A “friends with benefits” relationship which provides minimal emotional investment for a sexually involved couple is not inconsistent with relationship instability.

9. Higher class rank/age. The more advanced the undergraduate in class rank, the more likely the undergraduate reported involvement in a friends with benefits relationship: freshmen = 45.4%, sophomore = 55.1%, junior = 55.2% and senior = 62%. As might be expected, the older the student, the more likely the FWBR involvement with those 20 and older being more likely. We suspect that age increases one’s opportunity for a FWRB experience and that older undergraduates given the opportunity for a FWFR are more likely to cash in.

10. Money focused. When asked about their top value in life, undergraduates identifying financial security (67.9%) were significantly more likely to be in a friends with benefits relationship than those who identified having a career that they loved (53.9%) or having a happy marriage (48.5%) as their primary life value. Seemingly, the pursuit of money was more important than a love relationship moving toward commitment or marriage and they (participants in a friends with benefits relationship) took sex in whatever convenient context they could get it.

Reference for this study:

Puentes, J., Knox, D. & Zusman, M.E. (2008). Participants in ‘friends with benefits’ relationships. College Student Journal, 42(1), 176-180.

One of the interesting break-downs for me is the difference in worldviews among those surveyed - percentages are those who hold those views and participate in FWBRs:

• Relativism (52.3%) - sex in loving relationship is primary goal
• Hedonism (82.2%) - sexual pleasure is primary goal
• Absolutism (20.8%) - no sex before marriage is primary goal

The piece that interests me about this is this correlation in worldviews here with developmental stages. The relativist perspective is generally seen as the postmodern worldview, favoring emotional and communal aspects of relationship and culture, while the hedonist is a more strategic, rational way of approaching the world, and the absolutist perspective tends to be more authoritarian and "law and order" based, in which sex before marriage is a sin as decried by God.

The 1 Easy Idea You Can Use Today…To Unlock His Undying Devotion?

You know that girlfriend of yours who has the perfect boyfriend?

The guy with the gorgeous floppy hair, quirky smile, and big heart devoted entirely to one person and one person only:

His girlfriend.

You’re so glad she found him, but honestly?

You are so insanely jealous. It’s hard to stop watching them. The way he’s so attentive to her needs. The way they seem to share thoughts without speaking. The way he wraps his arms around her so tightly it’s like they’re one body. Watching them makes you ache. Because the guy at your side doesn’t treat you like that.

It’s not that your guy isn’t wonderful. Of course he’s wonderful. It’s more…

How he treats you. He treats you like someone he’s gotten used to.
You know he doesn’t wake up in the morning pinching himself for being lucky enough to snag someone like you.

But you bet that’s what this other guy does. You can see it in his eyes.

The pleasure that radiates from his smile every time he looks at the woman he loves.

So you ask her—half-joking, half-hoping—if he has any brothers. She just laughs.

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You nod eagerly.

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You nod even more vigorously, but she’s stopped talking. You follow her gaze across the room. Her boyfriend is holding up a drink, asking her wordlessly if she wants one. She shakes her head, blows him a kiss, and turns back to you. “So, do you want to know what it is?”
“Yeah!” you say. “If it will help me and my guy read each other’s minds, like you two just did.”
“Okay, then listen closely…”

Women across the world make one universal mistake with men.

It’s not their fault. They’re just following common wisdom. Common wisdom says that men only fall for exceptional women. (Exceptional bodies, mainly.)

If you see a woman with a man trailing behind her like a puppy dog, common wisdom says you can be sure she has something you don’t.

It’s such an obvious explanation and yet…

It’s dead wrong.

That woman?

She’s no more exceptional than you. (Whatever THAT means.)

But what she does have is a very special understanding of men.

She understands that what matters most is NOT what he sees when he looks at her…

But how he sees himself reflected in her eyes.

The truth is this:

Men fall for women because of how those women make them feel.

When a man feels like a hero in a woman’s eyes, he swears his undying loyalty to her.

He can’t help it.

Most women don’t have that effect on him.

When he’s around most women, he feels like a dumb guy. Like he’s always doing something wrong. Like he needs a nanny to look after him.

He can count on one hand the number of women who look up to him. Who really, really respect him.
And he’s always going to have a place in his life for those women.

So, how do you make a man feel like a hero?

It sounds kind of silly.

Do you have to engineer some kind of scenario where he has to save kids from a burning house or a little old lady from getting hit by a car?

No. It’s a lot simpler than that.

To make your man feel like a hero, there’s one easy thing you can do starting right now:

You can thank him warmly for every single thing he does for you.

Did he offer to get you a drink?

Thank him.

Did he clear the dishes off the table?

Thank him.

Did he drive you to a meeting?

Thank him.

He’s a hero to you every day, even though you may not see it like that.

Has your man “rescued you”—metaphorically speaking—any time in the last week?

Maybe he dropped everything to help you. Maybe he was there when you needed a sounding board.

Maybe his advice helped you make a difficult decision.

We tend to take those things for granted. We expect it. It numbs us to the actual miracle of having someone to rely on.

But the more you appreciate him…The more he appreciates YOU.

Now, that’s not how most people think.

Most women think they can earn a man’s appreciation by doing lots of things for him.
They’ve got it backwards.

The best way to earn a man’s appreciation is to appreciate everything he does for you, no matter how little.

It triggers his “Hero Instinct.”